Some differences between my mom and her DIL are:

But, even without that local college engineering degree:

The purpose of the engineering degree is to give the students (men or women) an opportunity to be self reliant, it does not (not directly) teach them about relationships and parenting.

Not having a degree does not make your mother any less but it does not mean your sister in law should have to prove her worth as a mother or daughter in law because she has the degree.

1. My mom did not leave us children rotting with stools still on our bums and asked our dad to clean us all the time, because her laptop kept her busy;

It's not right to expect your brother's life partner to be like your mother. She comes from a different generation – probably your generation. Would you like to be pitted against and asked to dress, read, work, travel, eat, sleep, sit, stand up etc as dictated by your sister in law's father? Women have feelings just like men do.

This kind of interference can create a lot of resentment. She is an equal family member and the mother of the child, and you need to respect that fact. Yes times are changing, and it's possible that she would like to ask you to mind your own business, and if she doesn't do that to avoid a scene ?

2. My mom did not avoid feeding us with her own milk because she was supposedly too busy and concerned about her beauty;

This is not your business. It is such comparisons and interference that puts women off traditional and conservative Joint Families. Respect her personal space and know when you are crossing personal boundaries. Did she say she didn't want to feed the baby and did she give the reasons you have given? Does that mean she was actually questioned? Why do you think it was okay for anybody except the parents to have a say in this?

3. My mom never treated her in-laws with disrespect – by sitting on the couch leg on leg and shaking her legs when her father in law came back from office;

If she has to live in your house or even visit your parents, it is better that she feels at home and is comfortable. On one hand she is expected to relocate and move into her spouse's parents' homes, on the other she can't show respect without standing up and being deferential. Just look at he hypocrisy here,

i. She gets no privacy and respect.

ii. Just her sitting and working on her laptop is seen as being disrespectful. Many families do not expect children to show obvious signs of deference to the elderly family members. Remember this is her home too, she should be able to be herself. It is important that these little things are not made an issue.

4. My mom never addressed my dad with his name, forget about vaada poda…..

i. She is not your mom. Just like you are not her grandfather/dad/uncle/brother. Comparisons like this are immature.

ii. What she calls her husband is not anybody's business but the couple's.

iii. Your mom comes from another generation, women had fewer choices, they had to tolerate discrimination, often they had to accpet that they would never be real life-partners to their husbands, today thankfully, women are equal partners.

Do you think she would respect you if she comes to know how you think?

5. My mom taught us humility and respect for all, not strutting around with noses pointing to the clouds at the age of 9 and addressing our chithappa (chacha, uncle) as poda.

I am sure your mom, (and your dad too) did their best and had best intentions, but did they not teach you to respect your sister in law? You seem to think she is an outsider you need to defend your family from, how do you expect her to feel at home then?

Such nagging, nit picking and interfering is called verbal abuse and can be traumatic for the victim. This is the biggest reason why Indian women dislike living in joint families. In the past they did not have a choice, now they do.

If you want someone to live in your home as an equal family member, you need to make the effort to help them feel at home, by respecting their privacy and their differences.

6. My mom never removed her thaali and hung it on a screw on the wall, saying she is a liberated woman – and she never wore a necklace that had the picture of a fake yoga guru on it!

Wearing a thaali/sindoor/mangal sutra is not a sign of being a better person or mother or wife. Your mother wore it and that was fine. Not wearing a thaali is a very personal choice and it does not indicate disrespect for anything.

How would you like if she were to demand you grow/cut your hair/mouchtache or you wear/not wear traditional clothing? And then have her family members criticizing you for not doing or doing these things?

Calling her yoga guru 'fake' is rude. Even if she asks you to wear it, you can refuse without calling the guru fake.

7. She has never shouted like hysteric person and jumped out of car for a fight and walked away only to return after a few days!

Even without knowing any details, it is not surprising that she chose to leave…

8. She never considered herself as some apoorva chinthaamani (someone great) who jumped out of a heaven!

Such comments are rude and immature.

9. She never proudly announced to all and sundry that she did not know how to cook beyond making Maggi Noodles!

She is probably from your generation, she probably went to school like you did, and then went to an engineer college, where she probably never needed to cook anything more than Maggi noodles. Or perhaps she has no interest in cooking. Why do her cooking skills bother you? Can you cook?

It's possible that your mother is spending too much time in the kitchen and it bothers you because you would like your sister in law to help her? Who helped your mother before your sister in law came? If you helped her earlier, continue to do so, instead of expecitng her to do it. If you did not help her, then why do you think other family members should? Do your bit, times are changing, there is no shame in doing your share of household chores.

And I know, with a few variations, episodes such as this are happening in far more homes than where a vicious draconian MIL tortures her innocent, pious DIL.

Is it not draconian for a sister in law to be condemned for her personal choices (which are not his concern) by her brother in law?

Which side will a son go? When his wife gives an ultimatum to decide if he should stay with and protect his parents who nurtured him for 30 years or move out with her for her selfish desires???

If the husband is still unsure that he can stand up for her, then it is incorrect to expect a wife to leave her parents and family, and relocate to her husband's house. If a man (or a woman) is not yet ready to live with their spouse, they are not ready to get married.
Take a clear look at your expectations. She should leave her family and live with your family, on your terms, leaving her parents who have also nurtured her for years (just like your parents). You expect her to accept the conditions you have mentioned above? If a woman has a choice, a real choice, would she accept this? Would you accept a marriage or any relationship with such conditions? Do you think her feelings are less important than yours? Whose desire here are 'selfish desires'?

What about the wife's parents? Doesn't she love her parents and family?

Would you be happy in a relationship where you know that the woman is only with you because she has nowhere to go, not because she actually wants to live with you or cares for you?

If this is what education and so called empowerment can do to women and sthree dharma, let them stay at home! Full stop. Culture and dharma are more important than fleeting money and ephemeral vanity. Again, another full stop!

Culture and dharma is not saved by forcing some people to remain dependent so that they can be manipulated.

Every family member has a right to find happiness and fulfillment. Instead of criticizing and blaming your sister in law for your mother's unhappiness, do your bit to actually help your mother have interests and self reliance. It's never too late.

If she has a life of her own, your mother would be a much happier person. Your father too. It might help to note how those who have only daughters manage without daughters in law.

PS: How many women abuse the domestic violence and dowry harassment law as a weapon when nothing but a small argument happens???

Going by the issues (non-issues) you have raised above, these 'small arguments' can make life hell for all involved.

It's lack of tolerance on the girls' side and their pampered carefree upbringing by ridiculously irresponsible parents to be blamed!

Tolerance is needed in every relationship, no doubt. But do you see the irony here? Do you realise who is being intolerant?

Replies are awaited, thanks! And in this mayhem I forgot to wish you a happy Pongal!

Love and regards,
Srawan's Kumar.

I would like to know what you would say to Mr Srawan Kumar.

Updated to add:

Do you think such expectations from daughters in law are common? Are they fair?